Saturday, April 30, 2005

Charles Schumer: "let me tell you a funny story, I asked someone about what would happen if someone made a virus and withdrew all the control rods in the indian point power plant and caused some kind of reaction and they said 'dont worry indian point is so backward theyre not even connnected to the internet' I didnt know wether to laugh or cry"
Bill Maher: "we're all going to die. that is a funny story"

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Rich im sorry, the way you said it all was too fucking hilarious.

Big B: omg sams mom knows were having sex
ElBifin: haha
ElBifin: howd that come up?
Big B: sam went to the vagina doc
ElBifin: and?
Big B: geignacaolgist
Big B: thing
Big B: well the medicnes shes been taking for her sinus has been infalming junk down there
Big B: so she went
Big B: and now her mom knows we have sex
Big B: and sheson the pill now subsquentially
Big B: im scared to go over her house now
Me: "oh man he's cruisin'"
lil steve: "yeah, well 30 days has september, april june and november"
Me: "OUCH"
nice corset.

http://www.deviantart.com/view/6959490/
The only excuse I can offer is this: I really really like fucking. I mean, I love to fuck. I like being fucked from the back, from the front, upside down, sideways, in all my holes. I love hard fucking. I love soft fucking. I love to fuck all day long till I can’t stand up. I wish I had glass eyes so I could pop them out of my head and have my lover fuck me in my skull. I love to fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, and fuck some more.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

wow

This is an awesome story with a funny gross ending
up until the very last part its great.

Go to Friday Night Uncut if its not first.

scroll down and read "the chronic", its hilarious
" Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at age
93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

Shut up. You know it's funny"

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Jane Fonda on Bill Maher

"so i hear the door to your house is shaped like a vagina"
"well the vagina monologues had just come out when we were laying out the floor plans and the front room was (oval or something, i dont remmeber)...and of course i painted it pink, and then theres a long narrow opening"
"....cool"

Fuckin Gogol





http://www.gogolbordello.com/chronicles/tour/1/Page5.html

Monday, April 25, 2005

Terri schiavos blog

OK, I'm in Heaven now, finally. It's not at all what I thought.

First off, you need to buy a ticket to get in. Most people pay installments on the TITHE plan (Ticket In To Heaven Expense). If you have not fronted the money, they don't let you in. And since I never gave enough money to the church to earn salvation (I spent it on hairspray, food to barf up, and then later on the bills for being kept as a vegetable for 15 fucking years... thanks a lot Mom and Dad, you assholes), Heaven did not let me in right away. I tried to explain my plight to St. Peter, but he did that annoying "world's smallest violin" thing where people rub their fingers together.
http://www.livejournal.com/community/kill_terri/9666.html#cutid1
girls should look like this at our prom

http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/17564109/

Sunday, April 24, 2005

abjure
abrogate
abstemious
acumen
antebellum
auspicious
belie
bellicose
bowdlerize
chicanery
chromosome
churlish
circumlocution
circumnavigate
deciduous
deleterious
diffident
enervate
enfranchise
epiphany
equinox
euro
evanescent
expurgate
facetious
fatuous
feckless
fiduciary
filibuster
gamete
gauche
gerrymander
hegemony
hemoglobin
homogeneous
hubris
hypotenuse
impeach
incognito
incontrovertible
inculcate
infrastructure
interpolate
irony
jejune
kinetic
kowtow
laissez faire
lexicon
loquacious


lugubrious
metamorphosis
mitosis
moiety
nanotechnology
nihilism
nomenclature
nonsectarian
notarize
obsequious
oligarchy
omnipotent
orthography
oxidize
parabola
paradigm
parameter
pecuniary
photosynthesis
plagiarize
plasma
polymer
precipitous
quasar
quotidian
recapitulate
reciprocal
reparation
respiration
sanguine
soliloquy
subjugate
suffragist
supercilious
tautology
taxonomy
tectonic
tempestuous
thermodynamics
totalitarian
unctuous
usurp
vacuous
vehement
vortex
winnow
wrought
xenophobe
yeoman
ziggurat

new blog.

Friday, April 22, 2005

UPDATES: GET OUT OF YOUR HOUSE

Friday, April 22: Wheel Slayer
Where:
Bayside/Whitestone
Time:
After school

Friday, May 6
: Gogol Bordello, Devotchka, Skampida

Where: Irving Plaza
Time:
all day in the city, actual show at 9pm
Cost: $25
Other: most likely going to the zeigfeld to hang out at the star wars line and see movies there then work our way downtown to the show and get something to eat before the show.
Tickets being bought soon so if youre coming let me know

Saturday, May 7th: Riot Upstart
Where: Redzone
Time: TBA
Cost: TBA
Other:
It's Rich's show, lets go, but its no excuse not to go to the above

Wednesday, May 18:
Star Wars Episode III
Where: Midway Theater
Time: 12:01 (i.e. midnight)
Cost: $10.25
Other: Last week of school, don't be bitches. Come see the show.

Sunday, May 22: Happy 16th Birthday Meli
(See below)

Weekend of May 22(date subject to change): AMPATRON
Where: Greenpoint, Brooklyn
Time:
Late (TBA)
Cost:
FREE!
Other:
It's in brooklyn, it's free, it's awesome, it's The=Equation and it's officially Meli's birthday party (cause it's an actual party!)


I think i'm going to post shit like this from now on cause it looks nicer and seems like you might actually read it due to less sentences.
I'm quite proud of myself and think you should be too.
Let me know whos doing what in comments.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

A newfangled hope

http://www.brownfish.com/newfangledhope.shtml

These guys redubbed the entire Star Wars Episode 4. So funny. Watch it.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

ONE MONTH!

ONE MONTH UNTIL EPISODE III! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Monday, April 18, 2005

Just....wow

Semen on Geforce 6 6800 Ultra!

Edit: next time make it a link ass.

Edit: yeah i said linkass

Third Edit by Ed: YOURE A LINKASS!!

Laura, Mr. B, hooker boots

women drivers

we should do this to Mr. Barricelli

we still never got laura do jump on him or whatever that idea was

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Damnit

Edit*: Forget everything I said. I just bought my 12:01am ticket for May 18th Star Wars. Steve if you really plan on coming with me I suggest you go on Fandango RIGHT NOW and buy your ticket because I will not doubt that its sold out within the day. 5 theaters currently selling midnight tickets to Star Wars in NYC, number of people in NYC current 8.1 million. You do the math, I was afraid at 3am when I found the page that I was too late.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Chicken powered nuclear landmine

New Rule

No Poems/No song lyrics

This isn't some teenage angst girly / emo fag blog. This is the blog of face. Dont put stupid lyrics or poems that no one reads anyway. Its a waist of the internet*. Keep that shit outta here, it might be better off at tornontheinside.blogspot.com or some shit.

I have found an image that perfectly reflects my feelings on poems and lyrics on a blog.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

FUCKING AWESOME GOGOL PLAYING

GOGOL BORDELLO IS PLAYING AT IRVING PLAZA MAY 6th!!!

if you said you'd go (rich and roma) you're going
if i made you swear you'd go (laura) you're going

tickets are $23 plus whatever charge ticketmaster has, we'll worry about the ordering later

"shall i be classic self-crasher?
OR BE A GOAT SLASHER!!"

im not a hypocrite, this is funny stuff

"and so i married a chinese lesbian she was 45 years old...
...and so i became her greencard husband...
we quickly were unhappily married
and now we cant split up...
inspector call us and inspector watch us
id run but i haven't got my dough
and so i live with her in half bedroom apartment
and six other lesbos"
Edited by J3rkfish

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Six Flags... for real this time!

May 31st

Tickets are $37 bucks if you buy them online and $47 if your buy them at the park. And yea we can all go and stuff. That and its 6 and half weeks away so it should be enough early notice.

Argument

me and rich cant agree on what this is

http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/17169015/

decide.
http://www.thingsmygirlfriendandihavearguedabout.com/

With your talent and experience, you should forget the Tucker Max Show and write something more palatable to the average audience. Marketing shows this belligerence and debauchery stuff will never sell. You need to write something that can be everything to everyone!

How about, a guy (cocky, smooth-talker who knows all the rules) who can have any woman he wants and teaches other men (who are bumbling and endearingly clueless) how to get girls. It's all laughs until the guy meets the one girl (sassy and jaded with a mysterious past) who turns the tables and leaves him clueless!

You'd make at least, oh, $172,062,377 at the domestic box office!

http://www.phule.net/mirrors/unskilled-and-unaware.html

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Dude

In school. Bored. And I have just been teased for being "such a lesbian." ;) I take no offense. But remember... I love the cock and the beaver. YIKES! OUWWWW!
OK found this:

http://sify.com/movies/hollywood/fullstory.php?id=13715889

I'm sorry but she's gonna have to prove that she's an expert at lesbian sex.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Big Trouble

"look at that, doesnt it warm your heart that in just a short amount of time an immigrant can come to this country and accept our way of life to the point that he wants a warrant for us to search his bar? doesnt it just warm the cockles of your heart agent sykes?
"yeah it warms the shit out of my cockles. my cockles are burning."

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Spam King

spam king gets 9 years, fuck ya... should be life though... the bastard...

Roms is awesome

up till 6, owns all you so-called gamers.

Rob read this its about filmmaking


Maybe Hollywood isn't that bad


Sometimes, dealing with Hollywood can be very trying. There have been many times over the past two years that I have been ready to throw it in.

But then I read an article like this, and I realize how amazingly far ahead of most people I am, and how much less shit I have had to deal with than most hacks who try to break into this industry. I not only have a great agency and great producer behind me, I have already sold a fucking pitch, which puts me in the top 1% of Hollywood "aspiring" writers. Of course, until I actually get something on a screen somewhere, I haven't truly done anything, but sometimes it is easier to keep going if you see how far you have already come.

[If you haven't read about my Hollywood adventures, you can do so here. And even though my main focus is TV and the articles focus is movies, most of the same lessons/problems apply to each field. That, and I have already optioned The Austin Road Trip Story as a screenplay and am in the process of writing it up with my buddy DrunkRex].

And in case the NYTimes takes that above article down, I have mirrored it here:
Page 1
Page 2





1:51 AM posted by Tucker
Hustle & Flow

I am at Sundance, and I just saw this movie "Hustle & Flow."

I cannot stress this enough: GO SEE THAT MOVIE. It is awesome. Paramount bought the distribution rights for like 10 million, and it was worth every penny. I have no idea when its going to be out, but seriously--go see it. I cannot recommned it enough.

For what its worth, every other movie I've seen has been complete shit. This festival is like the internet: tons of crap surrounding a few gems.

Hotel Rwanda = WOW

Just finished Hotel Rwnada. Speechless. Don Cheadle was robbed of an Oscar, I dont even have to see Ray to know Jamie Foxx's performance was nothing compared to his. I hate Ea and Mellie for not wanting to see it in the city, and to think we almost saw fucking gay ass Constantine over this. I would have seen this a hundred times over Million Dollar Baby. Download/Rent/Buy this movie now it is amazing.

I'll put it this way. It's so good that after having to Download it twice to watch it, I still plan to buy it on DVD.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

never thought i would say this

Whoopi: Back on broadway

actually fucking hilarious
only standup i've ever seen that actually has decent cameramen and is filmed well
shes starts joking fast as hell and the cameras start cutting with us and the whole thing is great. see it.

FF7: Advent Children

http://na.square-enix.com/dvd/ff7ac/

advent children website... fucking awwweeeeesoooooomeeeeee trailer... cant wait for the movie...

Ed, best quote of the game

"dont tell me, three alarms and the mission is over?"
"dont be silly fisher, this isnt some video game"

Friday, April 08, 2005

great story

http://www.snopes.com/humor/business/tacobell.htm

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Meli: tell me what the plans r thne
ElBifin:
1: come to house
2: ???
3: profit

Sunday, April 03, 2005

OH--BUT THAT’S NOT THE WORST! My other sister had the same problem, but much worse. She had a tampon stuck in her for months, and when the doctor pulled it out, pus exploded all over his face, and he THREW UP on her vagina! It was awful!”
Tucker [In complete silent disbelief]
Jez "Yeah, my whole family has crotch issues. Ha! Let's eat!!”

Saturday, April 02, 2005

laura i dont know your email address so here

People started doing keg stands, which led to perhaps the defining moment of the trip. This one girl, who was ugly and a bitch (thus, didn’t have basic human rights) started doing one. Don't ask me why I did this, because I have no idea why, but when she was upside down, legs spread apart, I punched her right in the vagina. This caused her to violently spit up the beer she was trying to consume, and fall backwards into the two people holding her up, all of them splashing to the mud.

figure youd appreciate this

[Note: Soylent Green is an ex Force Recon Marine Sniper. He can wear a kilt if he wants to. He can wear the flayed carcass of a Scottish Highlander if he wants to].
Tucker "Oh hell no--You're French?"
Girl "My parents are, but I was born here. I want to move to France after graduation."
Tucker "You fucking cheese-eating surrender monkey. I thought someone stunk around here. So if I start speaking German can I push you around and take all your stuff? Those hairy fucking stink-bags would be speaking Kraut right now if it wasn't for us, and they aren't the least bit appreciative. I hope they all fucking die, and your frog-sympathizing ass with them."
Tucker "Oh hell no--You're French?"
Girl "My parents are, but I was born here. I want to move to France after graduation."
Tucker "You fucking cheese-eating surrender monkey. I thought someone stunk around here. So if I start speaking German can I push you around and take all your stuff? Those hairy fucking stink-bags would be speaking Kraut right now if it wasn't for us, and they aren't the least bit appreciative. I hope they all fucking die, and your frog-sympathizing ass with them."

dear god read this

http://www.tuckermax.com/tuckertriesbuttsex.html

Excellent advice of the day